Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
