God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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