can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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