I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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