nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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