i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
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I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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