Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
