I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
