I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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