ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
