Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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