We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
