you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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