I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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