you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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