i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
