I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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