P.S. I can't hear my feet
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
