FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
