yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
