i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't deserve a penis
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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