I wish I only lived at night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
