He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
