Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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