Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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