End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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