How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
