But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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