why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
