Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
