after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
