I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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