I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
