Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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