Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
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the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize