I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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