I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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