I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
