im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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