Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
