mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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