If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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