I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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