My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just cut my nipple shaving
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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