I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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