ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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