I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
