Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
