I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
