I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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