Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
