I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
