Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
