just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
