Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
