Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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