Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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