I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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