He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
