Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
