Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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