i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
a search helicopter?!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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