rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
