God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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