dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
