Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
